August 15, 2008 the final post from Mom's Journey

Here is a collage photo of all of us leftovers. We gathered at the house after the service and then after we had dinner we took these photos. Adele was not well and left just after the service so she and Steve and Casey are not in the groups in front of the house.

Leaflet that we shared

Here is the leaflet that we created for Mom's memorial. I hope that it comes out in this format. Heaven knows I have spent much time to make that happen! This uploaded in the order of front, back and then the inside. If you double-click on the inside page it will bring it up larger so that you might be able to actually read it!

Mom's service

This post will be fairly long because I have included some of the speeches from the service. Gord was the emcee and he did an incredible job! Then he introduced a few people who had asked to be included, including both of my sons(have I ever said how proud of them I am?) and Deanne and Emily. Deanne and Emily read together the motto that we had printed on the back of the leaflet. After those folks he opened up the mike for anyone to say a few words and it was quite amazing to see how many could get up and share some thoughts. And what lovely tributes to Mom. All of us kids know how wonderful she was and it was so nice to know how many others share that feeling. After all had spoken then Gord called upon Judy to lead us in the Lord's Prayer. Her preface to the prayer just about made me cry.

The only problem is that I have now put a couple of photos in and they apparently have to be at the top!

The first section is the speech that Gord made.

Jennie McD. Memorial Service, Aug 8, 2008
Good afternoon everyone. My name is Gord Kiteley, eldest son of Jennie’s daughter Wanda. I will be serving as a makeshift emcee for today’s proceedings. I make no promises of getting through all of this without occasionally becoming overcome by emotion or presenting a tear, however I will do my best to keep things moving and, as grandma would have liked, focused on the happy times we all shared with her.
Before we start, there is an anecdote about my humble public speaking beginnings I would like to share. It brought down the house the first time, and if it brings a smile to the faces of the people that were there to hear it again, it will be worth rehashing.
I believe it was grandpa’s 70th birthday and word came down that the adults thought it would be nice if one of the grandkids got up and said a few words. Even at the tender age of about 11 or 12, I was rarely at a loss for a clever quip, so the task fell onto my shoulders. I hummed and I hawed and I scratched out ideas and I came up with, what I thought, was a pretty good game plan: Hit ‘em with a joke, toast the old fella with some tired cliché and sign off with his patented “…And keep your hands in your pockets!!!” that he had so often hollered at my brother and I as we raced into a store with him.
I got up there in front of a roomful of people I didn’t know, swallowed hard and said “When the grandkids were asked to speak here tonight, we all got together and drew straws to see who was going to do it. And, no, I didn’t win!”
Well, the room erupted, there was people slamming drinks down on the table doing their best to keep from spitting all over, my normally stoic father had beer dripping out his nostrils and, probably best of all, my grandpa was laughing like I had never seen him before.
I harbor no delusions of delivering an all-timer like that today, but I do hope to deliver the kind of performance befitting the day.
On behalf of Jennie’s family, I would like to thank each of you for your presence here today. It has been said that the true treasures of a life are the friends you leave behind, and judging from all the people here today, grandma enjoyed a wealth she may never know again.
(Eulogy – Expanded Version)
At this time, I would like to ask Lorraine Tarasoff and Pam Mosby to come up and sing one of grandma’s favorite songs, Amazing Grace.
(The Song)
One thing that grandma’s situation afforded us as grandkids was the opportunity to tell her just how we felt about all the time she spent with us, the things she taught us and just how much we appreciated all she did. A few of us would like to share with you what we shared with her.
Diarmid, if you could come up please.
Kevin would like to say a few words as well.
I have been told that I have a habit of stating my opinion as fact. If you know my mother, this likely isn’t a huge surprise. But, in her defense, she came by it honestly as well.
One of my favorite memories of grandma is sitting in her living room discussing the growing carbon content in our atmosphere and its link to the near-record high temperatures being seen around the world. After listening to Karen, Deanne and I talk about various programs we had watched on it, cite numerous published studies in various industry journals, grandma looks at us incredulously and says “Oh, you don’t believe in that Greenhouse Gas crap do you??”
Later that night, as my wife and I lay in bed talking about how certain grandma was that the whole this was a media-driven hoax, Deanne reached over to turn her light out and said “I see where you get that from now!”
(Read My Memory)
At this time, I would like to ask Emily DaCosta and Deanne Kiteley to come up and read a few words.
(Family Circle)
Now, we would like to open the mike up to anyone in the group who would like to come up and share something about grandma. Please feel free to spend as much or as little time up here as you like, but know that any contribution will be greatly appreciated.
(Open Mike)

At this time, Judy Tagami would like to say a few words.
(Judy)



In closing, I would like mention that there will be an interment to follow at a later date at the Silver Stream Cemetery in Leacross Sk. The family would also like to ask you to stay and join us for a tea and social immediately following the proceedings.
Finally, on behalf of the family, we would like to thank each and every one of you for taking the time to come out and remember grandma with us. Looking around the room I can truly say we are here to celebrate a life’s work, well done.
Thank you.

Here are Diarmid's words. Please try to read them with an Australian accent because that's how we heard them!

Thanks Gord.
Now, I don't mean to sound like I'm bragging, but I'm pretty sure I've come from further away than anyone else so that I could be here today. I left behind my wife Jenn and our children, who I know would really like to be here, and travelled from Australia, as some of you will know, with the intent of visiting my gramma one last time. I was fortunate to arrive when I did, as mere hours later she was gone. So now I am here to celebrate the life of a woman who had such a huge influence over the person I am today. While I was on the plane I had a fair bit of time to think about the sorts of words I'd like to say to gramma about the positive things she did to help shape me, and while I didn't have a chance to share them with her, I am proud to share some of my thoughts with you:
Gramma knew how to make an impression, even on the most hardened teenager. When gramma first met Amy, our eldest, while she visited for our wedding, she very casually took Amy aside and thrust a fifty-dollar note into her hand. “Now don't you go and tell anyone about this,” gramma said.. This is yours.” Amy dutifully didn't, although she certainly tells the story excitedly nowadays. When pressed, Stephanie revealed that the same happened to her, and when she told of it, she shared a conspiratorial grin with her sister. And while gramma didn't give Jacob the same treatment, as he was a bit young then, his teenage boy bravado now presents us with the judgment that “Gramma owns.” While I'm not 100% certain exactly what that means, I am sure it's a good thing. Zach, being a man of few words, will only indicate that he agrees with Jacob, and for someone who doesn't smile much, he wears a suspiciously big grin when nodding his assent.
Gramma also knew how the simplest things will often make the best gifts for kids, and picked things that would fire their imaginations. Our younger boys Indy, Reyne and George still run more batteries through their flashlights she sent them the Christmas before last than they ever have through the remote control cars they've begged so insistently for.
Gramma, you made everyone feel as though they were your favourite. This is most obvious to me from the way that, from the day you met her, you made Jenn feel like she had always been a part of our family.
You lived for others, but were happy in yourself, rather than living for yourself and being only happy through others.
You gave me belief when I had none, doubt when I didn't have enough, and laughter and love always.You helped make me who I am, not by where you pushed me, but by where you led me.You made our family what it is, and while I rightly fear that it will never be quite the same again, you have, through myriad little ways, shown me that hope is a powerful antidote to fear.The life you led, where you warmed so many hearts, and lit so many faces with smiles, while almost never warming any tempers (excepting one infamous one), can't help but make us proud. And you live on still, in warming our hearts and lighting our smiling faces, and inspiring us to follow your wise and sensible path. You can be sure that we feel you have lived your best life, and while sad that we will see you no more, we will be overjoyed when we have our own flashes of brilliance, and see your hand in our own actions, or speak words that could easily have been yours.

What will I miss about you gramma? I will miss finishing your crosswords, and while there's still a crossword in the paper every day, I really prefer to finish, rather than start them. It just feels like my place in things.Probably what I will miss most of all is "the look." You know the one. It has so many uses. It can express doubt at the truth of one of Gord's stories, or can chide my mother when she's just a bit too pleased with herself. It can suggest to Christa or Jimmy that whatever inappropriate subject they're alluding to is better left as allusions. Whenever Lor gets the look, she seems not to notice, though I think she's acting like the youngest child, and is simply willfully ignoring it. I mean, a youngest child can do no wrong, right? Wanda, well, she rarely seems to get the look. Now that I think of it, neither do I. I'm not sure why that is. Mind you, the look lives on. I've certainly seen George shoot the same look at his brothers when something is going wrong or one of them is being a bit too silly.
We will go on, striving to be like you, and though that picture of you each of us holds in our hearts is different, that striving is your immortality.
Thank you.

Kevin ad-libbed his words but mentioned a card that he had given Mom for her birthday this year that he had chosen particularly because it spoke of "grandmotherly hugs".

During the open mike period Wanda LeBlanc spoke and she was kind enough to share them with us:

“The span between life and death can seem as quick and sudden as a puff of wind that blows out a candle. But the candle does not suffer after darkness comes. It is the people in the room that stumble and grope.”
My name is Wanda. I've been friends with Jennie and her family for about five years, and I'm very grateful to be here today to honour Jennie.
When Jim called to tell me that his mom, Jennie, had passed on, through tears he said, “I feel so blessed to have the family and friends that I've had in my life.” This from a man who had just lost his mother, the most important woman in his life. That was the best tribute to Jennie that I could think of. It's what she would have said herself. Jennie treated everyone she knew as a true blessing in her life. Her kindness, truly giving heart her humour and wisdom... her baking... were such a gift. The family and friends I have met through Jennie – the circle of people in her life – are a reflection of the amazing woman she was. I want to thank you all, and above all I want to thank Jennie, for extending the blessings of your life to me and my family. We are forever blessed because of you.

Judy has also been kind enough to share her words with me:

It is my privilege to have been a friend and neighbour to Jennie for the past several years, and I am honoured to have been asked to say a few words about her.
Jennie was always well organized and in control. True to form, she was involved in the planning of her own funeral, including what kind of sandwiches to serve and what kind of service to have. She did not want a religious service because she said she was not religious; but, she also said it would be all right if someone wanted to say something religious.
I knew Jennie to be one of the kindest, most caring, and most charitable people I have ever known. She always thought of others before herself and never wanted to be a burden to anyone. She always repaid kindness with even more kindness. To me, Jennie was a religious person. Please join me now in saying the Lord’s Prayer in memory of Jennie.

Second post today because the last one quit in the middle and then wouldn't let me back in!!!! However, this has worked extremely well for the past few months so I mustn't complain.
Some folks asked me about a donation in lieu of flowers and following family discussion the decision is that people who would like to make a donation could choose their favorite charity or the KLH Hospital Foundation with direction to the palliative room.

Memorial Service

I have been asked to post the details of the memorial service. In Nelson we will be having a "Celebration of Life" on Friday, August 8 from 1PM to 3PM at the North Shore Hall. The date for interrment of ashes in Saskatchewan has yet to be determined, may even be next year when all of the siblings will be able to attend.

August 1 - Journey's End

Yesterday evening just after 6 o'clock, Mom passed away. Lor had noticed a very significant change when she went in yesterday and as the day progressed she deteriorated even more.

At about 3PM both Diarmid and Kevin appeared at the Xray counter so I burst into tears and then left for the day. We arrived at Jubilee to find that Jim and Kim were on their way in to town after Christa had been for a visit. Adele came when she finished work. By 5 PM there was a big crowd! After speaking to the nurse on duty we decided that most of us should leave for dinner and left Jim and Kim and Adele there since they had eaten most recently.

We just barely reached home when Jim called to say she had gone. The nurse attending her was one of her favorites from when Nellie was at Mt St Francis, Greg. He is so caring with patients.
Lor and I went back into town to say our final farewells and to take Mom's things home. We have tried to call as many people as possible.

Today we are making some arrangements for the service - I don't know how quickly that can happen due to the long weekend.

July 31

Yesterday Mom was the most lucid and calm that I have seen since before she went to Jubilee. It was very nice. When I commented to the nurse her reply was, "Enjoy it." So I did. Mom was in bed for the entire time from when I arrived at 5PM until I left. She even watched the news and Jeopardy, shades of the past.
I guess her pressure sores are getting worse. She did not eat anything again.

July30 - the month is almost over. What will August bring?

Lor and Emily visited Mom several times yesterday and Lor brought dinner from home. We went into the Sally Pearson room which is outfitted like a home family living-dining room with table, easy chairs, complete with fireplace and piano. It is meant for private birthday celebrations or Christmas celebrations for one or two residents as opposed to the main dining room where celebrations for all residents would be held.
We thought that Mom might be more comfortable eating there with us but she just wanted to go back to her room while we ate.
She is now being transferred by overhead lift because she is so weak. She has lost so much weight that her bones are protruding in her back and neck and she has now developed a pressure sore on her back. Every day we are finding out that there are more nasty things to deal with. Mom says that the pressure sores don't bother her but she is on the pain pump.
Dr Sawyer, the physician, is coming to see Mom on Thursday after I get off work so we will see what comes of that meeting.
The nurse on duty last evening, Ann, is so good. She was telling me that Mom seems to have turned another corner and is becoming calmer and more accepting of life in a care facility. I truly hope this is the case.
Lor is being dumped in at the deep end and I am feeling some small bit of relief!

July 29

My impression is that Mom is deteriorating all the time. Lor and Emily arrived yesterday about 6 o'clock. Prior to that Mom needed to uset he commode and I was going to help her but she just seems so frail that I called an aide. She was telling me that we shouldn't lift Mom on our own unless she was quite able to help, offered the ceiling lift. I told her that Mom had been OK the day before and we proceeded in the old way. Mom managed quite well.
As always the care aide left to attend to others while Mom did her part. I thought that I could likely get Mom up again on my own after the ease of transfer to the commode. When I tried to lift her under the arm she just couldn't help at all and was a dead weight. So I rang for Trudy and she came with another aide, Lynn. They considered using the lift but decided to give the underarm method a try. Instead of gently lifting Mom's arm, Lynn gave a great yank and hurt her back. Last I heard she had gone to the hospital. They then used the lift to help Mom up, found a huge pressure sore on her bum and decided that Mom should go back onto the bed until the nurse could have a look. Mom sure wasn't happy about that. It meant that when Lor and Emily arrived that she wouldn't be up in the chair and it definitely meant no drive!
Now I think that I have broken a care aide!
We visited for a while, had our dinner then Lorraine arrived to spend the night. Mom had almost decided that she doesn't need anyone to spend the night. What a blessing that would be - for me! Making a schedule just adds that little bit more to my day. But if Mom can be content it is not a problem.
Today Lor is going to visit, then come home and make supper and bring it back, we'll eat and then I'll come home. If anyone stays tonight it will be Lor and Emily.

July 28

I missed this space yesterday but will catch up today. Mom was able to transfer to the car for her ride, with quite a bit of difficulty. I wonder how long it will be safe to even try. Yesterday when I was with her in her room and she was lying on the bed, I played some CD's and she started calling out for Nellie and then for Alex.
Lor and Emily arrive today and we shall see what this week brings. Hope Jimmy's night went OK - he's the first guy to stay! but closely related.

July 26

I decided not to take a phone in to Mom's room because she won't talk on it anyway. As well the ringing of the phone in the room next door really annoys Mom because she can't answer it. Pretty well everyone who goes there has a cell or can use Jubilee's phone and the phone will be put to better use here at home. So I called Telus and they are switching Mom's phone back here on Tuesday. So anyone who has tried to call her in the past few days would just have reached endless ringing. Should be up and running by Wednesday at the latest.
This afternoon I was helping Mom transfer from the commode to her wheelchair and she sank to the ground and had to be helped up with a lift so I hope that she will be able to transfer again when she is stronger and more alert or else this will mean the end of our drives that she so enjoys.
At the moment she is listening to one of her Rod Stewart CD's that I put in just before leaving to pick up my supper. I had hoped that we could drive out here for me to eat but am almost afraid to try.
I will be staying with her tonight and Jimmy has offered to stay with her tomorrow.

July 25

Tomorrow it will be 2 months since we received that terrible diagnosis. What we have been through in that short time!
Yesterday Mom was very sleepy(drugged). I spoke with her doctor in the morning and had some questions for her. The doctor was kind enough to make a visit that afternoon, arriving shortly after I did. She examined Mom with the idea of having her come home and is now going to make some inquiries on our bahlf to help make that happen.
Then Mom and I went for our usual drive. She was so drugged that she was almost unable to assist in any way.
Came home to a lovely surprise - Carol had baked cinnamon buns for her family and shared those along with a pretty bouquet of flowers. Rather than my resolve to eat something nutritious and colorful - like a salad - I chowed down on one of them. It really hit the spot. Nutritious can happen today, maybe.

July 24

Life is taking another turn - Mom now wants to come home. When initially diagnosed she wanted to stay in care during her illness but now things have changed. I don't know that this is anything more than drug-induced paranoia or the combination of some of her caregivers and their other responsibilities within the facility, and Mom is not really forthcoming. This may be partly due to her inability to remember and articulate some of the problems but the only thing that she said is that they are pushing religion at her. Later on in our visit when I was gathering her laundry I found one pair of pants was missing. When I mentioned this to her she told me that she had gotten mad, torn them, and thrown them in the wash. That was her only explanation.
So: frustration - paranoia??????????
Home could be even less fun than the facility.
On the up side we had a much better visit yesterday and I have arranged for people to stay with her until Saturday so I can have a night off this weekend.
Yesterday I was so tired that I took the afternoon off and came home and slept. It was great and now I need to do that again today -ha ha.

I have decided not to take a phone in to her. She isn't asking for one and she won't talk to anyone and I can manage with my cell phone while there. The only time that she uses a phone is when she is very agitated and then she gets the nurse to call someone. I think that my work phone might take a beating if she has a phone and can figure out how to work it. So while I have shared the phone number with you, there is no phone attached and you will receive just ringing if you call there. I may actually ask Telus if they can reverse the change without charge. All right, quit laughing!

July 23

Yesterday Mom was pretty much the same and I am getting worn out. I am not very much help to her lifting her spirits. I can drive her around and rub her swollen feet but at the same time the tears are streaming down my face and I'm sure that's very upsetting to her but her medications don't allow her to show that.
Lorraine was staying with her last night and Mom was sure looking forward to that. Lorraine will notice quite a difference from a week ago. Mom has some very good friends and Jane is going to see her pretty well every day. Lor is coming back again this weekend. I will remember to take a telephone in today but before I install it in her room I will ask the nursing staff if they think it is a good idea. At this point it may not. I don't think that Mom will talk on any incoming calls and will only use the outgoing line as a rescue line! She always wants me to phone anyone who is supposed to be coming to find out why they aren't there yet - and that's usually about an hour before they say they will be there. And then every 5 minutes after that.

July 22

Yesterday Mom was very sleepy which is much easier to take than anxious but at the same time makes me cry more. She was a bit anxious because the person coming to stay with her last night is a hospice worker that she has never met and didn't arrive until 2200. So I didn't stay very long after Janet arrived and hope that all went well.
Mom's feet are swelling significantly and last evening she was complaining about her neck being swollen. Partly due to heat, perhaps. Most likely not.

July 21

Mom was quite angry with me for leaving yesterday morning and it carried over when I was longer than she thought I should be coming back. So yesterday was another tough day. The nurse on duty-Ann-told me that it is often the case that the sufferer turns on the one who is closest to them. That makes it easier to understand but not easy to take.
It is over 30 degrees and Mom wants to get out each day. I certainly can't blame her but it sure limits what we can do when she feels the heat as much as she does. So yesterday we tried to go to Lakeside Park to sit in the shade but it was way too warm. The car's air conditioning seems to be the next best bet so we drove to Trail.
Then Shirley arrived to stay overnight with her. And I still felt badly when I left.

July 20

This is the garden in the courtyard patio of Jubilee Manor. Mom's window is the farthest one away, she has a lovely view. These hydrangeas are at their peak right now. From my very limited knowledge of plants there are 4 kinds of hydrangeas there.

There is Mom's foot and elbow! She's not keen to have photos taken right now and I sure can't blame her.

Stayed overnight again last night and now Mom was extremely anxious when I was leaving. I don't know if the amount of comfort that she feels from my stays are worth the amount of anxiety when I leave. Or if her anxiety level is from moment to moment - actually that's what I feel is more likely.

Every day there are more staff that she knows and enjoys from the old Mt St Francis days. Only Mom is in a different capacity now.

Yesterday afternoon we went for a drive and went to the Frog Peak cafe at Crescent Valley where they sell pretty incredible panninis and Mom even had about 2 bites of one.

I'm at home, ostensibly doing housework but all I want to do is collapse.

July 19

Mom's anxiety level is not allowing her to relax enough and for some reason she is terrified to stay alone at night. When she doesn't know who is going to stay with her that night she is totally consumed with her fear. Lorraine has been kind enough to stay on her hide-a-bed 2 nights and Patti, a nurse who is currently on sick leave from Jubilee, has stayed with her one night. Last night it was my turn and I'll be there again tonight.
Several people have now told me that this is quite common - the things one learns when encountering something new! I have now contacted the Hospice Group who have a list of folks who will stay. I have no idea if this will ever resolve into trust of the staff at Jubilee or if she just thinks that she is staying at a motel somewhere - like she did this morning. Any friends who could manage an overnight would certainly be welcome.
Today is the first day that she went to the dining room for breakfast - I helped her dress. Unfortunately there was no one but her at her assigned table. Making friends would be so good.
Things will also be better once she gets her phone installed because she may not feel quite so cut off. I just hope that she doesn't call me too often.

July 18

Mom seems to be getting a bit stronger and even had her hair cut yesterday. She is encouraging visitors but doesn't have strength for vey long visits. I am trying to find some clothes so that she can join in some of the activities because she doesn't want to be in the lounge in a nightie - hospital nightie at that. But with the pain pump attached to her abdomen, it is a bit of a challenge. She is such a gracious, grateful person that her words about the clothes I chose to take up were; "You made such a wonderful selection."
I'm really hoping that she can get into some of the activities there and will rely on me a little less. I have set a pace that I can't keep up and in her heart of hearts, she knows this. However, her level of anxiety doesn't allow her to settle for less. We shall see.

July 16 - again

This is the view from the Emergency Department ramp that I would take Mom to see in her wheelchair in the evenings when she was still in the hospital. I know that she's not in the hospital any more but just had to share this lovely view with you. This is looking towards our house (northeast).